1. |
Blur
02:59
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When we first met you seemed embedded in my brain
I thought I finally found the antonym of pain
And you showed me the light inside
I felt broken, then I felt alive
I fell into you like the snow upon the roof
I knew that I could love and you offered me the proof
And I loved you, and I always will
And you loved me, I can feel it still
This summer stretches to an empty swollen blur
I spend the days making mosaics out of hurt
And I miss you
It’s dumb to say, but I miss you
Every hour of every day
I can’t believe you told me everything’s okay
That we would find each other somewhere else one day
And I hope so, but I get confused
I can’t ask you, I don’t know what’s true
When we first met I saw the light was coming through
It’s getting darker now but I remember truth
In the morning, when the day is new
I remember - I remember you
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2. |
What the Day Brings
03:29
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So in time it grows: the absence I don’t want to know, but I know
The feeling of my skin on snow, the cold seeps in
On a different plane maybe we would never know this pain
Maybe we would have been born the same age
Maybe this is just the way you show me nothing goes away
I’ve been feeling well, but then I feel so bad again, then it quells
Then my world is shattering, oh well
I will never understand the swell
I don’t want to write another empty eulogy out of spite
Another song of you and me every night
I don’t want this - I want the light to return
Are you listening? Can you hear the feathers fall from the wing?
Can you hear my throat go raw when I sing, when I tell you what the day brings?
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3. |
When Your Beard Fell Out
02:54
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When your beard fell out
Coloring the bathroom sink in doubt
I told you you could rock a mustache
Well I lied
But you tried it anyway
When your hair turned white
Overnight, it looked just like the moonlight
I didn't tell you that it was a sign
Of the color we were soon to lose
Is it raining?
Did I dream that too?
Is it fading?
I don't want it to
Am I waiting for a sign from you?
Is it coming?
Is it all confused?
Now the leaves turn brown
And scatter on the concrete coated ground
And people somehow find this charming
There is beauty in the color palette of demise
The day after you died
I found your hair on my shirt by surprise
I remembered that I trimmed your beard
So you'd feel clean
Or something
I don't know
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4. |
Wasps
04:19
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In my dream I was a wasp inside your attic
I'd always leave but then I'd come back out of habit
To stay in place
And buzz around the drywall
And see your face
I just wanted to feel small
Could you hear me chewing out the insulation?
Always trying to find some cohabitation
To build a home and greet you every morning
I felt alone
I woke up with no warning
I remember when the wasps died that November
The air got cold and they decided to surrender
And one by one
They fell onto the carpet
I swept them up
And I thought nothing of it
Is this pattern always churning in the background?
We start to fly and then we freeze and then we fall down?
You fell so hard
I never saw it coming
The wasps are gone
But I still hear their buzzing
Every spring they hatch a brand new generation
Your roses smile with the gift of pollination
They bloom for you
I wish that you could see them
The world renews
With every passing season
I'll spread your ashes on the beach in late September
Your bones will scatter on a landscape you'd remember
And join the sand
And something new will grow there
You'll leave my hands
You'll be everywhere and nowhere
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5. |
10:13
03:22
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Sunlight through the trees
Coming through the window with a breeze
Blood in the sink
I can hear you empty yourself to disease
From the bedroom, was that real?
You said don't listen
You never wanted me to feel
The fever weighing on your shoulders
But I did
It was mine too
Flushed out to the bay
The rocky shore, the kelp, the floor receive your DNA
Nothing goes away
The salmon eat your blood
They are consuming your decay
And they survive it, every day
Will I survive this?
Or will I crumble to the weight?
People die every day
Will I survive you?
Or will you take and take and take and take and take?
Lying helpless trying to breathe
Lying breathless trying to leave
Then you left us, you'd always leave
I can't find you, I can't breathe
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6. |
Thru Your Eyes
03:56
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Another storm rolls in
It’s getting under my skin
It reminds me that your trail is incomplete
Is this the same wind
That blew you off the mountain
Back when every time you landed on your feet?
And were you in the meadow when I couldn’t help but cry?
Everything I see I wish I saw it through your eyes
The eyes that filled with love and then with fear and then went blank
I see them every hour I’m asleep or I’m awake
I don’t have the words
I finally found that orchard
Where you saw us picking apples in a dream
I came back alone
There’s nowhere left to call home
You’re as fleeting as your image on a screen
And are you still beside me in this bed we chose to share?
When I reach to hold you all that I can feel is air
But could it be the same air that contained your dying breath?
Are you in my lungs?
Can I still hold you in my chest?
I’m wearing all your clothes
It doesn’t even come close
To the feeling of you wrapping around me
But when it starts to pour
I slip out of the front door
And I wander to the middle of the street
Are you in the water as it washes over me?
Are you in the mud that’s running underneath my feet?
Can I find it in me to suspend my disbelief?
To gaze into the thunder
And see you dancing in the heat?
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7. |
When I Look For You
02:59
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Something goes away
Words I couldn't say
Something I won't find
Something I have lost to the tide
When I look for you
Like an heirloom scar
Words don't get me very far
I've surpassed the bend
Pleading to my pillow again
When I look for you
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8. |
Corpse Pose
04:02
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Sunlight obscured
It's morning, I'm grasping at words
Today is full of birds
Their songs in my head
I'm drawn to the edge of your bed
The stitches in your head
Picture you there
I'm washing the blood from your hair
I'm crying in the stairwell
You fold out of corpse pose
You rise again
I open the window
I can't hold you in
Six months gone by
I'm haunted by symbols
And light refracting through the window
I want to see through
There's more to this void than the blue
The sky is full of you
I fold out of corpse pose
I rise again
You're standing in deep snow
I hover the brim
I watch as you lift me
I watch as we glide
Away from these bodies
Away from these lives
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9. |
Safe
03:15
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I dreamt of one more summer
And woke in a sweat
With snow in my bed
The things I can't let go of
Shake out of my head
Like sand in the tent
Sleeping on the beach in Oregon
When the world was so enormous
And we swam in it, it was ours
The calamity wasn't far
But we were safe then
I dreamt I was a statue
Frozen in bronze
Outstretching rusted arms
Reaching over towards you
The pace of your heart
The nurses and alarms
With my face against the window
And that rattle in your lungs
Then the silence, then the cold
Then the emptiness unfolds
From where there once was
I dreamt of snow on hot springs
Of patterns in trees, of life without debris
That snow is always swirling
And only I can see
Unfolding over me
Going back into the forest
Where our love was so enormous
And we swam in it, it was ours
Dancing underneath infinite stars
You were close to me, never far
You're still here with me, there you are
And we are safe again
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10. |
Life Sized
04:00
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Eddie I know, it's hard to let go of an echo
My hand on the stove, your face on my phone
A memento
And that's all that I have left
An idea, a memory compressed
But you were life sized
And you had brown eyes
I won't forget
Mom, is it real?
Oh I swore he would heal, I could feel it
Now the dust of his bones
In a jar in my home won't reveal anything
And that's all that I have left
A love, an entire life compressed
But he was life sized
And he had brown eyes
I won't forget
Eddie I see
Through the fog of disease you're still with me
Eddie it's me
I am falling in love with the mystery
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11. |
When I Picture You Now
02:07
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When I picture you now
As a stone holding warmth in your mouth
Where erosion is shaping the sound
I will find you
And I will lay my burden down
When I picture your hair
I draw a map of the alkaline air
Say your name like a bathroom stall prayer
I will find you
Sitting in your favorite chair
Maybe this is the last song
Or maybe it's not
Maybe I can let go now
Or maybe I'm wrong
Maybe you are still searching for sky
Maybe I'm still just searching for signs
Maybe I'm still just reading way too far between the lines
When you're here in my dreams
As the grass on that hill in Eugene
The place I know but I never have seen
I will find you
And you will be completely free
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12. |
The Maze
03:40
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I saw it as a window
I saw it in a frame
Rephrased as something different
Abstracting my worst pain
But I lost it in the rain
It got carried away
I will lay down in the maze
It will find me every day
I was hoping for a portal
Thought I could write my way back to you
Reinvent you as immortal
But my voice wavered out of tune
And I lost it in the wind
Floating embers, aching skin
I never know where to begin
Looking outside, looking in
I saw you in the garden
You were showing me the sky
Our limbs became the flowers
Our petals intertwined
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Pleasure Systems New York, New York
"Everything I Need" ft. Melody English out now :)
clarkesondermann@gmail.com
Pleasure Systems recommends:
<3
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Music World
by Ever Ending Kicks
perfect album
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the best
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